sepiastars: (Default)
[personal profile] sepiastars
The following are some videos of King Harrison, a guy I met when I used to staff.

I met him at the same time that I met Ryan, and liked him immediately because he was a super-nice guy, and wanted to stunt with me and not the skinny little nothing girls. The fact that I had someone who could stunt with me really helped me out. And then when we were teaching camps together, he was so good that everyone was asking him to stunt with them (and he always would, because we had to get evaluated on stunting and he knew that he could toss girls that no one else could so they would lose points if he didn't help them), but he would come and ask to stunt with me, which was just so nice of him. At our first UGA camp, we were point stunt, the only time something like that ever happened to me. We did a toss heelstrech full-down and we were solid enough that we didn't even have a guy to spot us. That was the only time I ever got to actually do something in opening rally (after that, they hid me behind the basket tosses and put me in the dancing groups, which was awful because if you know me, you've seen me dance and it's not good).

He lived in Atlanta, and I was living in Kennesaw, and I was having a really hard time then, and he would come pick me up sometimes and take me out to dinner or to a movie or something. He was so great. I never had any feelings for him, but I felt like he might have had some for me at that time, and I didn't want him to (for obvious reasons). I wonder if I had been in a different state of mind if I would have liked that he liked me. And now maybe we could be happy, like he is with Katie (the girl in the videos with him). He met her because they both got asked to fly to Japan to teach a camp (my feelings were hurt when I wasn't asked to go, but that was just the beginning of NCA treating me like a leper). They also asked King to become a Head Instructor, and he didn't want to (few people do), but he called me to ask if he could recommend me in his place, which I thought was also so sweet. He didn't have to do that. Anyway, they didn't take his advice. I didn't want to be an HI either, but I wanted to be asked.

King is the friend who took my drink away from me that night at the bar and drove me back to the dorm, and carried me up the stairs, and bought be a bottle of water, and asked if I needed help changing into my pajamas, and assigned a girl across the hall to look out for me and keep filling my water bottle (she didn't do either one, lol) so he could go back and DD some more. I never told him that his friend attacked me. Later, after I moved away from Atlanta, he stopped teaching high school camps and started doing college camps, and then he and Ryan both moved to Hawaii and cheered for HPU. He met Katie and married her and now they live in Atlanta again. I just miss my old life, being immersed in cheerleading and that world and who I might have turned out to be, you know? I think, if what happened hadn't happened, I wouldn't have quit Kennesaw's team and I would have kept my skills up. I would have been really good, and really fit. I never would have gained so much weight, and someone else from that world might have fallen in love with me and we could have kept on being that soft, sweet girl and HIed, and taught college camps, and done an open team and then coached at a gym, and now I could be the little southern housewife I always thought I would be, and coach all-stars at a gym, which is good money and good hours. And fun. Bygones, I suppose.

Anyway, here's some of King and Katie's awesomeness.








So, I'm thinking about trying to find some free counseling. My limited health insurance will not cover it, and I don't really think I'm doing all that well. I'm sad a lot. And I'm angry a lot. And I find myself slipping back into lack of motivation, meaning I stay in bed all the time and sleep for huge amounts of time. I intend to do things, but never do them (I forgot to RSVP to my cousin's wedding and his financee's shower, didn't even get around to checking the RSVP date on the shower until after the shower was already over. I'm 2 weeks late for the RSVP on the wedding. I feel like such a jerk. I've had baby gifts for 2 people for weeks, but just can't motivate myself to leave my house and get them in the mail. Brittany and I were writing all the time, but I dropped it for about a month, every single day saying, I need to write a letter to Brittany today, but never actually doing it. Just laying on the couch and sleeping). I want to go back on my antidepressant. I stopped it because my roommates and my mom pressured me into it, but now even my mom says she can see a difference in me and thinks I should go back. And I've told her that she's part of the reason I stopped and it was a mistake, I don't care if that makes her feel bad. She should try feeling what I feel sometime. It would just be nice to have my moods stabilized and regulated, and have the positivity and motivation to actually do something once in a while instead of just going back to bed so I don't have to think. But prescriptions are expensive. And they don't hand them out with one office visit. I'll use up all my doctor visits just trying to get some friggin drugs. And a free counselor won't be able to write a prescription. Damn it, I knew coming off of those drugs was a huge mistake and I should never have let anyone talk me into it. Nobody knows better what's going on with me or what's good for me than I do. I'll never get the medication I need again.

I wonder if you can buy them on the internet.

I just want to be who I used to be. I want the things that used to be within my reach, I want to get married and be a mom one day. I want to be happy with someone. Cheerleading used to make he happy, once upon a time. It used to make me feel good about myself. I can't help wondering if I were able to move back home and help Jill coach, get back into shape, if I'll feel a little like the person I used to be. If that would make me better or worse. I'm an outcast now, thanks to NCA. But maybe I could get back in (if everyone hasn't passed around the story of my spectacular humiliation at my last camp, and then my subsequent leaving of the company. And if Paul hasn't discussed our private conversations as to why I left with everyone, which I'm sure he has). I'd like to try, though, I'd like to go back to the place of my former existence and see if maybe I can be that girl again, just more knowledgeable. Knowing what I know now. I've run into a dead end here anyway.

Date: 2009-03-15 11:36 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] plushmistress.livejournal.com
Summer, I think you need to find some kind of platform to speak on, and come out publicly about your rape and how you were a cheerleader working for NCA when it happened. I know that for the most part you haven't told anyone about this (your family and so forth), but someone needs to speak out. Maybe that someone is you. You are beating yourself up everyday, and that makes me so sad.

Also, you never know...coming back to help coach really could help you. You'd probably be more motivated to get in shape and to do the things you want to do. I don't think any of us ever truly live the life we have imagined for ourselves when we are in high school, and I think that's why the "real world" can be so disappointing. I know I'm not the angel LDS Mormon housewife with the mini-van full of children that I always thought I was destined to be. :P

And yes, try to get the medication if you can. I know you're not just using it to feel good...you're using it because you truly need it.

Date: 2009-03-16 01:46 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sepiastars.livejournal.com
I wish I could describe the feeling I get when I think about talking about in any kind of a public venue... suffice to say bad. Actually, I had a speech class where I spoke about it. I thought I would be okay with it, but it turned out to be a mistake. I never had any other classes with any of those people, but when I passed them on campus, I couldn't look them in the eye, and I'd try to avoid them. There was this really cute guy in that class, and he was nice and after my speech where I basically just laid it all out (my thesis was that men needed to be more involved in the prevention of sexual violence), he asked me all these questions - good questions about my opinions and things, not invasive or anything. But then I would pass him on the way to class and we'd make eye contact and I'd just know he was thinking, 'That's her.' And I'd wonder if maybe he was wonder what it was like, or imagining it or something, and I just couldn't look at him. I just wanted to get past him to people who didn't know.

I never told my NCA boss what happened, and I regret that. But I don't feel too badly about it because Ryan is also no longer with the company. So telling my boss would have only humiliated me even more (nothing stays secret at NCA). I did mention it to a head instructor I knew pretty well, though, once. She and I one other girl named Heather were teaching a private camp once and we were in the elevator at our hotel, and the two of them were talking about a camp they just worked together, and Heather said something like, "What was that blond guy's name again? The creepy one with the pretty eyes?" (It made me feel better that at least other girls can sense he's creepy). And Taraya, the HI I know, said his name is Ryan, and then said something about how asked to look at his pictures from when they went out to the club, and they were all of boobs and asses and how she always knew he was creepy. So I kept my mouth shut until we got the room and Heather got in the shower, and then I said, "About Ryan Bachelor... Just keep an eye on him at your camps, especially around the younger girls who might not realize what he's trying to pull. Because he'll do a lot more than take creepy pictures." And she just answered, "Okay." And we didn't ever talk about it again. I really, really, REALLY didn't want to tell her, but I felt like it would have been wrong to not have taken the opportunity to tell her to keep an eye on him at her camps. I felt like fate would have smited me, lol.

(see comment #2)

Date: 2009-03-16 01:47 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sepiastars.livejournal.com
(continued)

As far as telling my parents... I think they suspect. Once my mom asked me why I was so depressed at Kennesaw, and I almost told her, but I just answered "I don't know." Which isn't totally a lie, because at that time I didn't consciously know why I was so miserable, I just knew something was really wrong. But she and Dad have both said that they know all my problems started when I quit the KSU team, I just don't know if they realize that quitting the team wasn't the cause of the problems, but one of the effects. Pretty much the first of the effects. Either way, they know that something big changed then. If I were ever going to tell them, this is really not the time. My sister is divorcing her husband and it's causing all this drama. My dad's hearbroken over it - she was 9 kinds of messed up before she married Jon, and now she's leaving him for someone else and she's bartending and spending money she doesn't have, and dad found out she's been lying about all this stuff, and she went out of town and left her 16-year-old alone without even telling him she was leaving... she's just acting like her mom, and it's really upsetting him. He doesn't need any extra stress. I think if he knew about me it would crush him. It's just so unfair. I was always the good child, I never did anything wrong. I was the school goody-goody. And I'm not saying that anyone deserves it, or that people who did things wrong deserve it... it's just, what are the odds?

Which brings me to something else... I kind of blame Matt a little bit. Which I realize is completely unfair and totally irrational. But he's the one who was cheating on me at the time, and he wouldn't come up that night to go out with me, and if he did come, nothing would have happened. He would have been in my room with me. And what's more than that, when we were together, he said things all the time about how lucky I was and stuff, and more than once he said that I lived a "charmed life" and "nothing bad would ever happen to me." Which, first of all, is not true because bad things had happened to me before, I couldn't internalize or otherwise deal with. Nothing I'd ever discussed with him. But I almost blame him for calling fate down on me, for bringing it on me. Again, irrational and unfair, I know. But I can't help it. I made an LJ secret (http://i40.tinypic.com/2mebo5w.png) about it. He was always trying so hard to protect me from himself that he did way more damage than he could have done himself. And I always told him to stop worryong about me, his bad habits weren't going to rub off on me. If he had shut up and listened to me, maybe we both would have turned out okay. But we did it his way, and now here we both are, permanently damaged.

Geez, longest comment ever, lol. I ♥ you so much, Tori. Thank you for being so supportive of me :) You've always been a good friend. I miss the good old days when things were less complicated ;)

Date: 2009-03-17 02:48 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] plushmistress.livejournal.com
Okay, so I have no experience on the matter, and what I do know, I've learned through you, but I think you really do judge yourself too harshly because of what has happened. Maybe I'm just being overly positive, but maybe that guy in your class wanted to talk to you and he wanted to help you. He was probably interested in you. He could have been your closure (if such a thing is possible). I don't know what kind of research you've done on the after effects of rape, but I'm sure there are a lot of girls out there who think like you do, and think that the world is judging them negatively, but it is SO NOT YOUR FAULT. And I know that, and I know others have to know that, and so SURELY other people will be able to think about the whole thing rationally. And not judge you. It frustrates me to even think that people would judge you, but there are always people out there being so negative and self-righteous. I was the spawn of Satan because I had pink hair, if you remember. It's so sad. But I think you should seek out some help for this and find other girls who have been through similar experiences and use them as your pillars of strength. I know there have to be forums out there where you can remain anonymous. Again, I don't know if you've already done this, but it's just a thought.

And WHOA, word. Matt. I don't even know what the extent of your relationship with him was. I remember you were so in love with him in high school, but he was dating that Jessica girl, and I knew you eventually got together, but I didn't know when and for how long. I need a timeline of your life, lol. And I can see why you would blame him, and after knowing that he didn't come and be with you, I want to blame him, too. It makes me want to cry just thinking about what happened to you.

Date: 2009-03-18 07:57 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sepiastars.livejournal.com
Lol, you pink spawn of satan, you :) I am actually really hard on myself. I am often very skeptical when someone expresses interest in me - I think there must be an angle somewhere. There must be something he wants to take advantage of. Or he must be making fun of me somehow. And then, even if I let myself trust someone enough to go out or do something, as soon as it feels like it might be going somewhere, all the alarm bells start going off and all my instincts start going runawayrunawayrunawayrunawayrunaway. Even if we're just talking about emotional intimacy, you know? And then I can't resist the urge to back away.

I'm a member of this great community called my body taken (mybodytaken.livejournal.com) that's really good. Elizabeth thinks I should become a rape counselor, and maybe one day I could do that, but I don't have myself handled well enough to give advice to other people. The great thing about the community is that we're all just sharing our experiences and knowledge and you only comment if you know what to say, you know? If you can be helpful. It's a really good resource. It's easier to talk about it with people that I'm never going to see, lol. Julio and I got drunk last night and he told me he likes when I get drunk because he can ask me questions and I'll actually open up and answer them. He says he can tell sometimes I have something I want to say but I won't ever say it unless I'm drinking (I'm such a freaking lush, lol), and he asked me why. And I told him the truth, than in my experience, people find it uncomfortable to talk about. People don't know what to do with it. Don't know how to act around me anymore, so they quietly distance themselves because it's uncomfortable (and it is, I understand). Sometimes he can be obnoxious, but sometimes he can really hit the nail on the head.

So here's what I think. Since we really need to catch up on the past few years of each other's lives, we should just write out a summary. I'm serious. We can start at the end of senior year and go like, year by year or something. And I think you should start because we're talking about me so much, lol. Thoughts?

Date: 2009-03-21 08:50 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] plushmistress.livejournal.com
I love this idea a ton. I think I might start writing it on paper and mail it to you. Or maybe it would just be fun to have typed up. Okay maybe not typed up. I'll write it down. Might take a while, haha. There's been a ton of crap go down in these here parts.

Date: 2009-03-22 02:41 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sepiastars.livejournal.com
Absolutely! We should do it. It's good preparation for our memoirs, lol.

Profile

sepiastars: (Default)
sepiastars

September 2010

S M T W T F S
   1234
567891011
12131415161718
19202122232425
26 27282930  

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags