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[personal profile] sepiastars
The following are some videos of King Harrison, a guy I met when I used to staff.

I met him at the same time that I met Ryan, and liked him immediately because he was a super-nice guy, and wanted to stunt with me and not the skinny little nothing girls. The fact that I had someone who could stunt with me really helped me out. And then when we were teaching camps together, he was so good that everyone was asking him to stunt with them (and he always would, because we had to get evaluated on stunting and he knew that he could toss girls that no one else could so they would lose points if he didn't help them), but he would come and ask to stunt with me, which was just so nice of him. At our first UGA camp, we were point stunt, the only time something like that ever happened to me. We did a toss heelstrech full-down and we were solid enough that we didn't even have a guy to spot us. That was the only time I ever got to actually do something in opening rally (after that, they hid me behind the basket tosses and put me in the dancing groups, which was awful because if you know me, you've seen me dance and it's not good).

He lived in Atlanta, and I was living in Kennesaw, and I was having a really hard time then, and he would come pick me up sometimes and take me out to dinner or to a movie or something. He was so great. I never had any feelings for him, but I felt like he might have had some for me at that time, and I didn't want him to (for obvious reasons). I wonder if I had been in a different state of mind if I would have liked that he liked me. And now maybe we could be happy, like he is with Katie (the girl in the videos with him). He met her because they both got asked to fly to Japan to teach a camp (my feelings were hurt when I wasn't asked to go, but that was just the beginning of NCA treating me like a leper). They also asked King to become a Head Instructor, and he didn't want to (few people do), but he called me to ask if he could recommend me in his place, which I thought was also so sweet. He didn't have to do that. Anyway, they didn't take his advice. I didn't want to be an HI either, but I wanted to be asked.

King is the friend who took my drink away from me that night at the bar and drove me back to the dorm, and carried me up the stairs, and bought be a bottle of water, and asked if I needed help changing into my pajamas, and assigned a girl across the hall to look out for me and keep filling my water bottle (she didn't do either one, lol) so he could go back and DD some more. I never told him that his friend attacked me. Later, after I moved away from Atlanta, he stopped teaching high school camps and started doing college camps, and then he and Ryan both moved to Hawaii and cheered for HPU. He met Katie and married her and now they live in Atlanta again. I just miss my old life, being immersed in cheerleading and that world and who I might have turned out to be, you know? I think, if what happened hadn't happened, I wouldn't have quit Kennesaw's team and I would have kept my skills up. I would have been really good, and really fit. I never would have gained so much weight, and someone else from that world might have fallen in love with me and we could have kept on being that soft, sweet girl and HIed, and taught college camps, and done an open team and then coached at a gym, and now I could be the little southern housewife I always thought I would be, and coach all-stars at a gym, which is good money and good hours. And fun. Bygones, I suppose.

Anyway, here's some of King and Katie's awesomeness.








So, I'm thinking about trying to find some free counseling. My limited health insurance will not cover it, and I don't really think I'm doing all that well. I'm sad a lot. And I'm angry a lot. And I find myself slipping back into lack of motivation, meaning I stay in bed all the time and sleep for huge amounts of time. I intend to do things, but never do them (I forgot to RSVP to my cousin's wedding and his financee's shower, didn't even get around to checking the RSVP date on the shower until after the shower was already over. I'm 2 weeks late for the RSVP on the wedding. I feel like such a jerk. I've had baby gifts for 2 people for weeks, but just can't motivate myself to leave my house and get them in the mail. Brittany and I were writing all the time, but I dropped it for about a month, every single day saying, I need to write a letter to Brittany today, but never actually doing it. Just laying on the couch and sleeping). I want to go back on my antidepressant. I stopped it because my roommates and my mom pressured me into it, but now even my mom says she can see a difference in me and thinks I should go back. And I've told her that she's part of the reason I stopped and it was a mistake, I don't care if that makes her feel bad. She should try feeling what I feel sometime. It would just be nice to have my moods stabilized and regulated, and have the positivity and motivation to actually do something once in a while instead of just going back to bed so I don't have to think. But prescriptions are expensive. And they don't hand them out with one office visit. I'll use up all my doctor visits just trying to get some friggin drugs. And a free counselor won't be able to write a prescription. Damn it, I knew coming off of those drugs was a huge mistake and I should never have let anyone talk me into it. Nobody knows better what's going on with me or what's good for me than I do. I'll never get the medication I need again.

I wonder if you can buy them on the internet.

I just want to be who I used to be. I want the things that used to be within my reach, I want to get married and be a mom one day. I want to be happy with someone. Cheerleading used to make he happy, once upon a time. It used to make me feel good about myself. I can't help wondering if I were able to move back home and help Jill coach, get back into shape, if I'll feel a little like the person I used to be. If that would make me better or worse. I'm an outcast now, thanks to NCA. But maybe I could get back in (if everyone hasn't passed around the story of my spectacular humiliation at my last camp, and then my subsequent leaving of the company. And if Paul hasn't discussed our private conversations as to why I left with everyone, which I'm sure he has). I'd like to try, though, I'd like to go back to the place of my former existence and see if maybe I can be that girl again, just more knowledgeable. Knowing what I know now. I've run into a dead end here anyway.
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