As far as telling my parents... I think they suspect. Once my mom asked me why I was so depressed at Kennesaw, and I almost told her, but I just answered "I don't know." Which isn't totally a lie, because at that time I didn't consciously know why I was so miserable, I just knew something was really wrong. But she and Dad have both said that they know all my problems started when I quit the KSU team, I just don't know if they realize that quitting the team wasn't the cause of the problems, but one of the effects. Pretty much the first of the effects. Either way, they know that something big changed then. If I were ever going to tell them, this is really not the time. My sister is divorcing her husband and it's causing all this drama. My dad's hearbroken over it - she was 9 kinds of messed up before she married Jon, and now she's leaving him for someone else and she's bartending and spending money she doesn't have, and dad found out she's been lying about all this stuff, and she went out of town and left her 16-year-old alone without even telling him she was leaving... she's just acting like her mom, and it's really upsetting him. He doesn't need any extra stress. I think if he knew about me it would crush him. It's just so unfair. I was always the good child, I never did anything wrong. I was the school goody-goody. And I'm not saying that anyone deserves it, or that people who did things wrong deserve it... it's just, what are the odds?
Which brings me to something else... I kind of blame Matt a little bit. Which I realize is completely unfair and totally irrational. But he's the one who was cheating on me at the time, and he wouldn't come up that night to go out with me, and if he did come, nothing would have happened. He would have been in my room with me. And what's more than that, when we were together, he said things all the time about how lucky I was and stuff, and more than once he said that I lived a "charmed life" and "nothing bad would ever happen to me." Which, first of all, is not true because bad things had happened to me before, I couldn't internalize or otherwise deal with. Nothing I'd ever discussed with him. But I almost blame him for calling fate down on me, for bringing it on me. Again, irrational and unfair, I know. But I can't help it. I made an LJ secret (http://i40.tinypic.com/2mebo5w.png) about it. He was always trying so hard to protect me from himself that he did way more damage than he could have done himself. And I always told him to stop worryong about me, his bad habits weren't going to rub off on me. If he had shut up and listened to me, maybe we both would have turned out okay. But we did it his way, and now here we both are, permanently damaged.
Geez, longest comment ever, lol. I ♥ you so much, Tori. Thank you for being so supportive of me :) You've always been a good friend. I miss the good old days when things were less complicated ;)
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As far as telling my parents... I think they suspect. Once my mom asked me why I was so depressed at Kennesaw, and I almost told her, but I just answered "I don't know." Which isn't totally a lie, because at that time I didn't consciously know why I was so miserable, I just knew something was really wrong. But she and Dad have both said that they know all my problems started when I quit the KSU team, I just don't know if they realize that quitting the team wasn't the cause of the problems, but one of the effects. Pretty much the first of the effects. Either way, they know that something big changed then. If I were ever going to tell them, this is really not the time. My sister is divorcing her husband and it's causing all this drama. My dad's hearbroken over it - she was 9 kinds of messed up before she married Jon, and now she's leaving him for someone else and she's bartending and spending money she doesn't have, and dad found out she's been lying about all this stuff, and she went out of town and left her 16-year-old alone without even telling him she was leaving... she's just acting like her mom, and it's really upsetting him. He doesn't need any extra stress. I think if he knew about me it would crush him. It's just so unfair. I was always the good child, I never did anything wrong. I was the school goody-goody. And I'm not saying that anyone deserves it, or that people who did things wrong deserve it... it's just, what are the odds?
Which brings me to something else... I kind of blame Matt a little bit. Which I realize is completely unfair and totally irrational. But he's the one who was cheating on me at the time, and he wouldn't come up that night to go out with me, and if he did come, nothing would have happened. He would have been in my room with me. And what's more than that, when we were together, he said things all the time about how lucky I was and stuff, and more than once he said that I lived a "charmed life" and "nothing bad would ever happen to me." Which, first of all, is not true because bad things had happened to me before, I couldn't internalize or otherwise deal with. Nothing I'd ever discussed with him. But I almost blame him for calling fate down on me, for bringing it on me. Again, irrational and unfair, I know. But I can't help it. I made an LJ secret (http://i40.tinypic.com/2mebo5w.png) about it. He was always trying so hard to protect me from himself that he did way more damage than he could have done himself. And I always told him to stop worryong about me, his bad habits weren't going to rub off on me. If he had shut up and listened to me, maybe we both would have turned out okay. But we did it his way, and now here we both are, permanently damaged.
Geez, longest comment ever, lol. I ♥ you so much, Tori. Thank you for being so supportive of me :) You've always been a good friend. I miss the good old days when things were less complicated ;)